This awful, beautiful life....

So while I was nibbling away on my ham sammie today at lunch, I stumbled across this article about parenting and blogging and how the trend lately is to relish your imperfections to the nth degree and that there is a level of pride at being really bad at being a parent.  The blogger who wrote about this trend also pointed out that while she's not perfect, she is however, trying to be the best mom she can be and more often than not, it's not terrible.  She also said about how she hopes that some day her children find her blog and that they cringe over the loving way that she talks about them.

Honestly, my first thought was 'WHOA, that shit goes on?  People WANT to be awful at parenting?'  and then I thought, 'I'm never ever perfect but I can't imagine my life without these people in it.'

All of it got me thinking, obviously, and more often than not it leads me over here to share things (and yes, I know I haven't been doing it overmuch lately but I'm trying to turn over another new leaf....hush, it might work this time).

And really my thoughts boil down to this:  I want my kids to know I love 'em. 

I write on my kid's facebook to drive him nuts (mostly because I can) partly and the other part is just my way of saying "HI, I'm thinking of you right now, gooberbutt".  

I, too, want them to read these words some day and think 'OMG MOM SHUDDUP' because they're so damned embarrassed by how proud I am of them. 

Don't get me wrong.  There are days when I literally cringe over the shit that comes out of my kids' mouths. 

Don't believe me?  Come sit by us on the bleachers during a baseball game and hand over a ring pop to either of my girls and they'll spill their guts, hanging me out to dry without a second thought. 

Like that they eat spaghetti-o's more than should be allowed or that sometimes they've literally got one pair of underwear left in the drawer before Mom hauls all of their dirty clothes to the laundry room.  Or how Mom cleaned out their big brother's room cussing a blue streak and that they heard some new words that day. 

Oy vey.

But sometime in the distant future I do hope they come across me talking how I got a little misty-eyed when the boy and I drove home from a ball game and sang Jack & Diane, laughing pretty hard when I jacked up the lyrics, and smile a little.

Or maybe they can remember the night when Sadie and I were lying in bed - head to toe - and I noticed a sore on her foot where she had had a splinter for awhile and didn't want to say anything, but we toughed it out, got it out, and hugged it out. 

Or maybe they can remember sitting up on Sunday nights after everyone was in bed and watching Hallmark movies and sobbing our eyes out. 

Or maybe they'll remember having a fever for a week straight and we went to the ER and Mom sat there all night and maybe she was scared to death but she didn't say a word except that it'd be okay. 

Yeah, because I want them to know that I'm not the best Mom in the world.  I'll never do some things right but I'd like to think I get it right some times and that maybe no one is going to love them quite like I do (or their Dad does). 

And I also want them to know that my life wouldn't be nearly as wonderful as it would be without them, hands down, bar none.  I wouldn't be as brave without them.  I wouldn't have found my voice without them.  I wouldn't be as loving without them.  I wouldn't be me at all without them. 

So, I hope this embarrasses them when they read it some day and they'll just shake their heads and say "Oh, Mom, you silly....goose."

I mean, honestly, by the time they get around to reading this, the hubs and I might be living in a cabin in the woods because the zombie apocalypse has occurred and we needed to get the hell outta dodge.  And maybe they'll be in the cabin next to us.  ;)

In closing, I leave you Darryl Worley's tribute to .... life: 

My fave lyrics out of it: 

I laid in bed that night and thought about the day
And how my life is like a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs and crazy turns along the way
It'll throw you off if you don't hold on tight
You can't really smile until you've shed some tears
I could die today or I might live on for years

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life

P.S.  I promise to get to the 40th birthday business....just not today. 

Find your own zen, baby

There are rare days when I cut myself some slack and do absolutely nothing.

Why?

Because I'm doing stuff all the time.  I'm always mom, or Heather, or Mrs. Fleming, or Ma'am, or can you help me find Elevator A because I'm wearing a badge that labels me as an employee of the U of I Hospital and I should at least know where elevator A is, right?

So, there's that you see.

And there's a mind full of things that I have going on every day.

IE:

1.  What should I wear?
2.  God, grab some yogurt and gummies for lunch from the fridge.
3.  Do the kids have clean underwear?
4.  Where the hell is Jude's left shoe?
5.  Did I get that submitted on time for this payment to go through at work for this or that project for Dr. So and So?
6.  Shit.  The kids need lunch money.  Double shit.  I forgot again.
7.  Cute shoes.  Although they don't really go with that....Who the hell am I fooling?  I'm 39 and definitely not Tim Gunn.  But, still, I like those shoes.
8.  This is my jam.
9.  This song blows.
10.  Coffee is always a good idea.
11.  So is Paris I've heard.
12.  Drinking more water = better skin, right?  When does this friggin rule kick in?  Adult acne is so not on.
13.  Do I have enough time to knit this, this and this before the hols without driving myself bugnuts?
14.  Was that a deer or a massive mailbox?
15.  Awwww, cute holiday decorations.
16.  Dude.  You're going bald.  Accept it.

Okay, these are things that go through my mind all before noon.

So, as you can see for yourself, my mind is a terribly busy place at any one given time during the day.  This, in a word, can be exhausting.

Today, I declared it a snow day (sans snow here in Iowa but I'm sure it's snowing somewhere, right?).  I've done nothing but drink coffee, listen to music, watch youtube vids, read, attempt to nap, snuggle with my girls for a wee bit, played Bubble Blitz on Facebook, and even a round or two of Song Pop.  And Gossiped on Twitter.  Stalking folks on Twitter is one of my fave pastimes.  Not a word of a lie.  I'm nosey by nature.  

I used to feel guilty for days like this but today I'm embracing it.  Why?  Because I need it.  And that's okay.  I'm not meant to be the queen mum of Pinterest.  I'm accepting that slowly too.  I will never be one of those gals with a perfect house.  I'd love to have it.  I'd love to think that my home could look like that but I just don't have the energy and I'm worn out before I even try.

But what I do have is a home.  I have a place to lie down and snuggle with girls.  Where we can laugh over silly dance videos.  Or I can prop my head under my pillow, wadding it up, so I can talk to The Boy before he heads off to work.  I have a dog warming my feet.  I have a guy who leans around our bedroom door to tell me the worst jokes in the world and I pretend to frown but laugh as he walks away.  I get a text message from the girl who cuts my hair and is my middle's fave person in the world and who let me play Mom for the first time ever.

And there are no marble hallways or stained glass sunbursts here in my home but there are plenty of blessings.

And tonight when I lay my head down on that pillow, I'm going to count those instead of sheep.